She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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