I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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