the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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