After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
