You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
