remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
