Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We are all done wearing pants today
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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