When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
