i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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