I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
