I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
