Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
