Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
