and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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