bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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