You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
