so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
