I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Duck Duck Cougar?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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