Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
