Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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