the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
