HIV tests are more positive than that guy
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
