Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
