be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
