i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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