at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
