I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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