You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
