At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
