i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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