Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
