i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
