I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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