I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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