Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
