Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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