Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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