The maid of honor just puked.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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