So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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