I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
