Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
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I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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