if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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