i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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