It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
