he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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