he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
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I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
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Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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