Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
