I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
