On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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