I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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