I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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