His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
