When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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