I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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