i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
