I think my fart just growled at me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
