Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
